I will die if light touches me.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize