the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize