A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Randomize
