I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
