if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
