I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Everything about him screamed your future.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
