Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
