i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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