i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
