it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
