i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
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