We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Randomize
