You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
