You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm passing your future prison.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Randomize
