Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
