My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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