bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
