You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
