Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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