it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize