Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
