Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
BRING THE BAGELS
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
