So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
