So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Randomize
