drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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