On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I want her autograph on my taint
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
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