this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize