i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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