All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
