Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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