i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
