I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
