Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
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