Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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