im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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