so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
