I wish my penis had an off switch
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize