Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
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