if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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