Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
