I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize