I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
