Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
