Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
