Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
We just shotgunned beers for America
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize