note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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