DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
