I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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