Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize