her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
