I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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