i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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