Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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