you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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