He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
