i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
