I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
