My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
