Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
