we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
