i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
