I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
