yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize