What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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