The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
