Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
