I CAN MOONWALK!
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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