I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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