Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
