just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
